I don’t think there will ever be anything better or worse than heartbreak. It gives us such important pieces- it teaches us that our heart is broken, so therefore we must have been capable of love in the first place. If you’re feeling heartbroken, you’re feeling an emotion that’s way deeper than that- you’re feeling that love drain from your body and transform into a cocktail of other things. Maybe it’s regret, or sadness or loneliness. Maybe it’s the “what ifs” and “what could have beens”… maybe it’s wishing you took one more kiss or one more night to live your love to the fullest.
I think it’s the feeling after they’re gone- that silence suddenly seems different. The alerts on your phone that mean less and less as the days pass.
Maybe that empty feeling is all the memories leaving your body slowly- every hug. Every minute of intense eye contact. Every hour of phone conversations. Every mile driven to see each other. You just wake up one day, have THAT conversation- then it’s over. Everything changes in the blink of an eye.
When your heart is broken, the fault doesn’t matter. The mistakes don’t matter. No fight or argument or disagreement could ever seem significant at that moment, because I don’t think we’re ever the only ones hurting. Heart break has no boundaries or discriminations.
I don’t think it’s the “loss of love” that hurts the most, but actually realizing we were capable of love in the first place- and that is truly tragic and beautiful, and such an important lesson.
“Experience”…That word hits a nerve with me so greatly.
All we are in this life is “experiences” right? I mean we are only renting these bodies- we don’t own anything. Honestly we’re just walking around EXPERIENCING things. Anything and everything. That’s all it is. It bothers me to no end when people take their lives so serious or they miss out on experiences just because of their “morals” or “beliefs”. Fuck. We all need to believe in something, right? I’m not criticizing religion or faith because that’s not my place. We are all complete strangers- who the fuck am I to tell you about life? But I ask you- Why do so many people walk this line and scare themselves into what it’s all SUPPOSED to look like or who they think they’re SUPPOSED to be? There are no fucking bunk beds in caskets. I think more people need to live for themselves rather than those around them. We need to take more chances and fucking ruin a couple of fancy events. I don’t know. Who cares. We’re humans. And humans are messy and complex and no one will ever really know what’s going on in someone else’s head. We all crave normalcy but we’ll never fucking obtain the true meaning of “normal.
“Normal” doesn’t fucking exist.
So who cares if you have exposed some “unethical” behaviors. We all have them, but few posses the honesty (or desire of honesty) to hold themselves accountable. So tell your “friends”, associates, colleagues WHOEVER- to fuck off if they’re so bothered by your “unethical” experiences. I understand the anxiety of it all, because that’s what this society has groomed us to be- scared of everyone’s irrelevant opinions.
A good friend of mine recently told me the importance of the word “process”. Everyone has opinions and lots of people are willing to share those opinions with you, usually when it’s inconvenient for you. Everyone thinks their opinions are more relevant than yours so get used to that.
The PROCESS of it though- we can’t control others actions. We can only control our own reaction to it. So go through that PROCESS. The process of accepting people and their opinions (even if they are complete SHIT) and just hold true to yourself and how you react. Your reaction is the only thing that is certain and true, so keep that up and take every single day as a learning EXPERIENCE.
There are very few things in this life that I regret. I’ve done a lot; seen a lot; and been through more than one person should be able to handle. But one thing I will always regret is not putting myself first sooner. I have consistently been the “shoulder to cry on”, the “sober one to bring everyone home”, the “level-headed one that can understand both sides of the argument”. I’ve always been the person to be leaned on- and hardly ever the one doing the leaning. I’ve discovered lately that finding the people like me to lean on has gotten increasingly difficult and rare. I think we all deserve a little bit of time to be selfish and focus on ourselves. I’d never say that it is a bad thing- but part of being human is feeling things- happiness, sadness, and sometimes pain too. There are only so many times one person can be shot down before they give up completely. There is no way that we can learn to love others correctly if we don’t know how to love ourselves correctly, and I honestly think that its bullshit that we’re all so scared of being called selfish. How can we adequately relate to other humans if we are all hiding our own emotions and feelings of wanting to be appreciated? Why is it so frowned upon to do things that benefit ourselves? I get strange stares every time I walk into a restaurant alone. People look at me with sorry eyes like I didn’t choose to be there. This generation is so focused on opinions of others and how many likes they can get in a fake virtual reality that they pass by the human emotions inside of them. It’s really time that we all start acting like we give a fuck about our own well being and stop caring who’s watching.
So if you don’t hear from me and you think I’m a “bitch” or I’m not focused enough on YOUR expectations- well then please keep on waiting to hear from me.
I guess I can’t tell you why I am this way. My walls are built higher than any fucking prison I’ve ever seen. I’m guarded; reserved when I need to be. We all have that piece of us that is always evident and we drag it around with us for a good portion of our lives, if not the whole thing. That inner feeling or sense that eats us up inside every second of the day.
Mine is trust. I’ve learned that we are born alone and we will die alone. There ain’t no bunkbeds in caskets. This life is ours; our days are borrowed and our bodies are rented. The people you “trust” usually end up gone, and at the end of the day, they turn into who they said they’d never be. The ones that have said “I love you” never meant it. They never stayed around long enough to prove or show love. It’s an unattainable emotion. It’s something everyone knows but very few people experience for real.
She told me she loved me but she was really out to get me. She’s the fucking devil and she’s not happy unless everyone around her is suffering. Sociopathic, schizophrenic psycho. Never in my life have I met anyone like her; with those devil eyes and bad intentions.
But they teach you something, these horrible people. They show you exactly who you should never be, and for that we need to be grateful.
Before you send me hate emails for that statement, just hear me out.
We all play this game every single day. It’s not one that has rules or winners and losers. We play this game where we interact with people; maybe a few, maybe a whole lot; we talk about the weather and we talk about sports teams and presidential candidates. We laugh and joke and look people in their eyes and hear their stories. We subconsciously make assumptions of their lives based on the pieces of themselves in which they’ve shared with us. We say ok I like this person or maybe we don’t. We have these thoughts in our brains and feelings in our bodies and we just carry on until something happens. Like you don’t see that person ever again, or you move to a different place in you’re life and they just aren’t a piece of it. It happens all the time.
But here’s what I don’t get. I don’t get when people share so much of themselves with you; you feel something for them, and assume its reciprocated, and then all of a sudden they’re gone or acting out of character, for seemingly no reason at all. I don’t get that. This goes back to my last post about being honest with ourselves and correlating our inner feelings with our outer gestures and words. This fucking game though… We are stuck still playing this fucking game with each other ; with ourselves; and it’s really self destructive. I wish we could all say what we mean and follow through with our promises. Because somehow we all turn into who we said we’d never be…and you never know who you will be disappointing.
You know what bothers me a whole lot? Dishonesty with ourselves. Somewhere along the lines, someone made up these ridiculous rules about life, like how long to wait to call after you get a girls number, or how long you have to hang out with someone before you admit to liking them.
We do this nonsensical charade of pretending not to feel things or feelings. We discredit our own instinctual emotions because we’re worried about ‘breaking’ some unwritten rule. I think the world needs more honesty. It needs more people who aren’t afraid to say what they want, feel the emotions that are true, and show someone their emotions however they believe feels right at that moment.
You know, I believe this world would be better if we all got honest with ourselves and went after whatever it was that made us the happiest. Sometimes we fall into a hole where nothing seems to go right and we get depressed and give up on things and people. I truly agree because I’ve been there more than once, but even pretending to be happy can change your mood. We have to think about the small things that can help us. Seeing a text from someone you love talking to. Hearing that one persons voice that makes everything worth it.
So I guess my proposition is to be honest with yourself today. We need to learn to hold on to the ones that make us feel something. We get so caught up in the mediocrity and redundancy of life that we sometimes miss out on these people. And it’s such a shame.