Before you send me hate emails for that statement, just hear me out.
We all play this game every single day. It’s not one that has rules or winners and losers. We play this game where we interact with people; maybe a few, maybe a whole lot; we talk about the weather and we talk about sports teams and presidential candidates. We laugh and joke and look people in their eyes and hear their stories. We subconsciously make assumptions of their lives based on the pieces of themselves in which they’ve shared with us. We say ok I like this person or maybe we don’t. We have these thoughts in our brains and feelings in our bodies and we just carry on until something happens. Like you don’t see that person ever again, or you move to a different place in you’re life and they just aren’t a piece of it. It happens all the time.
But here’s what I don’t get. I don’t get when people share so much of themselves with you; you feel something for them, and assume its reciprocated, and then all of a sudden they’re gone or acting out of character, for seemingly no reason at all. I don’t get that. This goes back to my last post about being honest with ourselves and correlating our inner feelings with our outer gestures and words. This fucking game though… We are stuck still playing this fucking game with each other ; with ourselves; and it’s really self destructive. I wish we could all say what we mean and follow through with our promises. Because somehow we all turn into who we said we’d never be…and you never know who you will be disappointing.
You know what bothers me a whole lot? Dishonesty with ourselves. Somewhere along the lines, someone made up these ridiculous rules about life, like how long to wait to call after you get a girls number, or how long you have to hang out with someone before you admit to liking them.
We do this nonsensical charade of pretending not to feel things or feelings. We discredit our own instinctual emotions because we’re worried about ‘breaking’ some unwritten rule. I think the world needs more honesty. It needs more people who aren’t afraid to say what they want, feel the emotions that are true, and show someone their emotions however they believe feels right at that moment.
You know, I believe this world would be better if we all got honest with ourselves and went after whatever it was that made us the happiest. Sometimes we fall into a hole where nothing seems to go right and we get depressed and give up on things and people. I truly agree because I’ve been there more than once, but even pretending to be happy can change your mood. We have to think about the small things that can help us. Seeing a text from someone you love talking to. Hearing that one persons voice that makes everything worth it.
So I guess my proposition is to be honest with yourself today. We need to learn to hold on to the ones that make us feel something. We get so caught up in the mediocrity and redundancy of life that we sometimes miss out on these people. And it’s such a shame.
I feel like sometimes the world gets the best of me… and I know I’m better than that, but its difficult to comprehend why things happen to you even after you do nothing but good. I actually had to say to myself today; “Why the fuck are people so bad? Why do people do things intentionally to hurt others?”
Ok… I’m lying a little… I said it out loud. To the woman at the bank who was helping me.
“Why the fuck are people such assholes?”
I think that’s how it went. She looked up at me, laughed and said “The golden question”
And she’s right. There really is no fucking answer as to why people are like this. How could they be so cruel and so evil that they are just out to hurt someone? I keep trying to live on this notion that everyone I come across is going to have the same heart as me, and I always end up telling myself how unrealistic that thought is… it’s so fucking sad. I have gone out of my way for people on more than one occasion and it’s really shocking when the people you are closest to don’t reciprocate when you are in your time of need. It’s sickening actually; that’s a better word… and that’s all I’ve known for two weeks now, is that gut wrenching, throw-up, dizzy and breathless kind of feeling.. that feeling you get when you’re alone and have Noone to guide you. It’s unbearable sometimes.
It takes all I have in me to keep going.. to keep looking up and getting to the next day. It takes all my strength not to break down and cry… but I know I’m not weak. And I know that strength comes from within. I have to keep trying to believe in somewhere better than here.