Okay, my co-worker and I are DYING laughing at all the things we can come up with that we hate hearing while running the pawn shop. I must tell you, we are both super dedicated and we LOVE what we do, but if we don’t make fun of ourselves a little bit, we might not make it.

We have collectively compiled this list of things that we absolutely DREAD hearing. Don’t say these things to us. Just don’t. Ever. Thank you for helping save our sanity.

  1. “How much are (group of like items that are all clearly individually priced)?”      OKAY. Please. For the LOVE of whatever God you believe in; before you ask me this question, look for a damn price tag. I promise you that I put a lot of time and effort into finding the best price for this item, and I PROMISE you that I put the sticker on it. Prices are negotiable, but please fucking at least try to look with your eyes first.
  2. “I have a trunk full of (worthless item)…”     DO NOT. Fucking. Tell me. That you have a ‘trunk full’ of anything. I promise I do not have enough time in this day to dig through your trunk. And if I do take the time and effort to come outside to your 1994 Buick and attempt to look through your trunk and I find ZERO items worth anything to me, I will hate you every time you come in again. That is a guarantee.
  3. “I have this bag of jewelry; My grandmother gave it to me and I just know it’s worth at least a million dollars… she told me it’s from (far away royal place)…”        UGH. Really though? Really? Have you ever heard of the gold market? Did you know that the gold market fluctuates EVERY. SINGLE. DAY? Something that was worth $1,000 yesterday could very easily be worth $700 today. Or, something that was $300 last year could be worth $2,000 today. Really. The gold market is unpredictable and the price of the day is public knowledge. Do some fucking research before you come in here and tell me how to do my job. THANKS 🙂
  4. “…I understand, but I bought this at (Large Chain Jewelry Store In Every Mall) and I paid $3,000 for it, so I’d like to get at LEAST $2,900”                    *My eyes bug out of my head IMMEDIATELY* I am regretting the day you were born. I am wishing spontaneous fucking combustion on your entire being right now. Hello. I am the year 2015. Nice to meet you. This over here is a computer. It has Google on it, if you look hard. Why don’t you sit down, do a quick little search called “jewelry store markup”. Read it. Read it all for the rest of your days. Please. Fucking educate yourselves before you come to me and yell at me when you hear the price that I would like to offer you for your wedding set after your messy divorce. Look, I’m sorry you’re pissed off, but big chain jewelry stores are not selling things for what they’re worth. They’re selling a finance plan so you can pay 29.9% interest on a ring that is worth one third of what you’ve spent. And you’ll still be paying for it after the divorce is finalized. Do yourself a favor and come to me first to buy your jewelry. You’re welcome.
  5. “I have this rare coin. It’s from (country that doesn’t exist anymore). I know nothing about it. It’s not gold or silver and i would like (absurd amount of money)”  PLEASE. JUST GO HOME. Please. I can’t even.
  6. “How much will you loan me for a guitar that looks kind of like the one you have here, but different?” (Me: ‘Can you give me the brand and model number of yours?’) “Ummm I don’t think it has one” (Me: ‘I’m sure it does…’)            MY GOD, PLEASE. Please just stop being lazy and look for something that I can look up. Why is this so difficult? You want me to take MY time to look this up and find you a precise amount, but you don’t want to take the time to tell me what the FUCK you have? Enough.
  7. “I have this thing… I don’t know what it is…”     Then I promise you. I don’t know what it is either.
  8. “…but wait, I think I have a picture of me and it’s in the background…”                      STAHHHP. I still don’t know what it is. I don’t care. Stopped caring at your last question. Bye now.
  9. “Why won’t you take (item from 20 years ago that’s broken, falling apart or not usable whatsoever)?”                      UMMMMM. Why the fuck do you think?
  10. “Will you take this phone with a cracked screen?”                     Do you like shards of glass in your fingers? Oh, you don’t? That’s weird. Neither do my customers. Throw it in the middle of the street please. I’ll wait.
  11. When I answer the phone- “Hello, XYZ Pawn Shop”   Customer- “Uh hi is this XYZ Pawn Shop???”   Bitch, I said ONE FUCKING THING to you. The ONLY thing I just said to you, is the answer to the question you are asking. Pay the fuck attention. Or stop calling. Better yet, don’t call anyone ever again. For as long as you live.
  12. “Why can’t I have this (expensive brand tool for sale) for $1?”        BITCH. Because it is EXPENSIVE and I have too much money into it. If I pay $20 for a wrench, and I mark it $35, I promise you. You are not paying $5 for it. You’re just not. Byeeeeee.
  13. “How come you won’t take my (stupid item nobody wants)? You have one right here…”      Hey! Ya wanna know why we have one? Because. NOBODY. FUCKING. WANTS. IT.
  14. “Aren’t you scared, being a woman in a pawn shop?”                  Nope. I’m not. Aren’t you scared because I have weapons and alarms and things to hurt you with if you fuck with me? Have a great day.
  15. “Can’t you please give me five more dollars?”     Um. No.     “BUT WHYYYYY?”     Please fucking don’t. I didn’t want to give you what I already gave you, so leave before I take it back.  “WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?”           Don’t beg. It’s not cute. And don’t call me names. I’m the one trying to help you. Please be nice.
  16. “Well, you don’t have it, so do you think ABC Pawn Shop down the road has it?”      ARE YOU JOKING? What do you think we all have ESP with each other? You think we get home every night and just get on a big group phone call together like “Ok, read me all your inventory lists so that I can tell these jackasses tomorrow what you guys have…” We don’t. Really. I swear. We don’t do that. Google it. Thanksssss.
  17. When we don’t take your items, please do not scrounge through your cup holders and glove compartments in an attempt to find something that we’ll accept. Like 99% of the time, whatever crumb-covered item you find in there is worth nothing. Go home please.
  18. *I ask a customer for the model number on an item*   Customer- “Do you mean serial number?”    *HUGE EYE ROLL* “No. I am sure that I mean MODEL NUMBER”   Customer- “Is that the one that says ‘model’ then a bunch of numbers?”          I’m sorry… WHAT? Do you hear yourself speak?
  19. LASTLY. And most importantly. PLEASE. Be respectful! We are tough because we have to be. We get taken advantage of sometimes too, and we genuinely want to help. If you treat us like real humans, we will reciprocate. And most likely, we will help you out! That’s why we’re here!!! 🙂
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